Jan 6, 2021

The flow of it all: self destruction and eventual rebirth.

When you're young and full of hot air you make calls you later look back on and think only of how stupid and self absorbed you must look to your peers.

The other day i woke up before the sun and saw my wife off to work as i always do. Then i made coffee, sat with my cat and waited for the kids to get up. The sun started to peak over the mountains and i decided to let it in. The horses were coming down the hill and the frosted grass was starting to fog in the direct sunlight.

I decided, in that moment, that i just didnt give a single fuck about anything else anymore. These past 6 months i achieved something i initially thought would take me 16 YEARS to. And now that i am where i want to be, am i happy? Well, kinda? Lets be honest, i doubt i ever will be, im human and we humans are selfish little shits who obsess over what is to come "next" in our lives.

But am i content? Yea, i wouldnt say i settled, that has an inherent negative implication. But being in the woods in the middle of nowhere every morning has really put things into perspective for me. I simply don't give a fuck about what happens beyond the visible horizon anymore.

Out here internet is spotty (using a cell phone's activated hot-spot) and most days i dont even turn it on. Why? In an age where everything and everyone is connected, how is it im so content just shutting it all off? Peace. The internet abhors peace and tranquility. If there isnt gossip, drama, scandal or politics to discuss, what is there? Pop culture? Sure, thats neutral enough right? Everyone enjoys entertainment otherwise it wouldnt be... entertainment. No. Not anymore. Pop culture isnt about fans unifying under common interests or good story time fun, nah. Its all a platform for discussing the drama, scandals, and politics. If you have any kind of status in society you're expected to use that status as a platform to discuss some bullshit social and political issues that no one really gives a flying fuck about.

See? One paragraph discussing the internet and its already got me in a foul mood.

The thing about being a person "in the media" as i would think i am on a micro-scale, is that i dont have to be a part of the "social media". I've really been inspired going off the grid and kinda following the paths of people like Hunter S. Thompson and Richard Stanley. You don't need to know what i had for breakfast or how my day has been to be able to appreciate what stories i tell.

Ive deleted the bulk of my social media accounts and removed all previous posts here on the site. I've also removed myself from several other people's projects that were in the works. No creative differences or anything, just looking for a fresh start. Im going after projects i scrapped when i was younger because i was a coward. There are entire concepts and scenes and stories that ive had to cut in the past because "well, no one will like this but me" or "this might be seen as offensive".

Nah. Fuck it. Living in a cabin in the woods has brought out the grumpy old fart in me, the one without the filter who doesnt care how people see him. If i feel i have to put on a character to be here, then im not here.

Still here? Good, stick around. I have such sights to show you.


  1. It makes me so happy to read this and know that you have found some peace with yourself. Your little home in the woods sounds so wonderful, and I can't wait to see what you create :)