Apr 30, 2020

I gave up

Moving to Arizona didnt work out. My wife, kids and i were staying at my dads place while waiting on my house to close. Turns out my dad is not a good person after all. My wife and the twins were treated with disrespect and i was never paid during my time working under him remodeling houses. Being there was like tiptoeing on eggshells around him wondering what was going to set him off next. We stayed there long enough for my step-mom to spend Anakins birthday with him and we left back for Kentucky.
We did NOT want this. The plan was to buy land, no mortgage or debt. Then use remaining and incoming funds to build our family an off grid mountain paradise with my dads know-how. We thought we could tough it out and just put up with his hostility until we could be back on our own feet but the longer it went on, the more i realized this was not a person i wanted influencing my kids. I attempted to kill myself on Anakins birthday. I was trapped.
Couldnt even do that right. Spent a few hours talking with suicide prevention and some very good friends on Twitter. It became clear that WE had to get out of there. It really hurt my pride and soul to give up everything but sometimes the choices cant be easy. The next morning we left. My stepmom understood and my dad tried to act like everything was fine and sent me a fucking sunglasses emoji after we left. Now im jobless. The house is closing so theres no cancelling that. And without proof of a maintained income, i cant find any mortgage lender willing to work with me. Ill have a little money from selling the house to potentially find a place to rent but everybodys so scared of this virus that getting ahold of people is worse than pulling teeth. Im ending my Patreon for now. I know it seems stupid to cut a source of income but its honor based, if i cant create, i dont deserve the patronage. I have no idea where to go from here. Until next time.

2 comments:

  1. Wow!If I had any clue what to say, I would. I'm glad you're still with us. Love you dude!

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  2. I wish there was something I could say to make things better for you. The world likes to make life difficult, but we've made it through shit before and we can do it again. There's no way to know how things will pan out, all we can really do is, as Princess Anna says, the next right thing. Staying alive and getting yourself and your family out of that situation was necessary, and you will find the next step. I know this is probably cliche and potentially annoying to hear when you're feeling like this, but we all love you and none of this makes you a failure. It's painful and shitty, but society has been designed like that because feeling desperate and weak makes us easier to control. The fact that you still have goals you are striving for, art to create, and are actually taking risks already puts you so far ahead of so many people, Tim. You are not just another mindless drone, and that comes with difficulties. It may not always feel like it, but you have accomplished a lot and I think you're doing a damn fine job.

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