Nov 20, 2017

My experience with sleep paralysis hallucinations...

>>A lot of what i'm about to say to a lot of the potential readers, is going to be old news.

If you've been following my journey from the beginning of all this way back in 2012ish you may remember i used to work the night shift at my job-place then come home and work on Welcome to Normality until i eventually fell asleep around 5 in the morning. This was my routine and it certainly had its negative effects on me like dizzy spells and constantly being "followed" by people in my peripheral vision.
For the sake of my health and being able to spend time with my wife and son i switched to the morning shift. This put me at work at 4am and able to be home with my family by 1pm. (and its a typical schedule i have still to this day)
Then the nightmares started. Working on WtN until i passed out from exhaustion prevented me from experiencing or remembering dreams, but when i started getting regular sleeping hours that all changed. Every single night (nearly) for the past 4 years i have had horrible nightmares, and things much worse than that, but i'll explain that in a moment...
Some nights they're simply "bad dreams" and i can forget them easily and dont even bother to bring them up, but most of the time it involves my children being taken from me in one way or another. If you dont have kids of your own, i hate to be that guy, but you REALLY dont know what its like to live with this fear. Most of the time in the nightmares, they scream and scream and i can still hear the screaming. The confusion and terror in my little babies cries makes me wish i would just die already.
On the worse nights i wake myself up. This is worse because when i finally fall back to sleep the torment will either continue where it left off or my bastard brain will think of some new torture.
Then came the twins.
What a wonderful first few months! I cant tell you how happy i was to be getting interrupted sleep, every 30 minutes it was either one or the other needing a bottle or diaper or something to keep me from dreaming. It sounds terrible that one of the "new parents" biggest complaints was my biggest relief, but its true. Well, now that they are over a year old they're starting to sleep through the night again.
Now comes the "things much worse" part.
Way back i posted somewhere (either here or deviantART) my experience i had as a child with "aliens". I, for the fuck of it, couldnt find this post, so to summarize... When i was a wee lad i would still sleep in the same bed as my mom, i woke up one night to two tall white figures with large black eyes standing at the foot of my bed. They weren't scary (at the time) and they reached out and took my hands. I then remember my mom holding me whilst i was crying saying the monsters had taken me. A few days or so later i was watching a hit tv show "Unsolved Mysteries" and instantly broke down crying when they discussed a case about an alien abduction and showed the dramatic reenactment aliens. I remember (and my mom remembers this, too) pointing out that those were the monsters who had taken me and that i had never seen anything about aliens before that moment.
Whats this got to do with nightmares?
About a year ago i found out about sleep paralysis hallucinations. Ive known about sleep paralysis for some time and have actually experienced it myself (more often than i had realized). Before finding out about the hallucinations, i had just thought it was some weird type of lucid dreaming that happened to everybody.
My examples being simple, i would wake up, try to move, realize i was still paralyzed, panic slightly and wait to regain control of my body. I honestly thought this was normal until last year when i found out that only 20 or 30% of people surveyed had had these experiences.
The people who hallucinate oddly seem to all see the same set of things. An old hag. Shadow men. Tall white figures with black eyes. Finding out about this started a wildfire of curiosity and weeks of further research on my part.
Ive found several theorists that seem to think its people being abducted by aliens and some of the memory is slipping through or, you know, general bat-shit.
But i have a theory of my own. I believe humans and the human brain try their damnedest to rationalize and make explanations for the unknown. I believe that "ALIENS" as pop culture depicts them is a byproduct of the human brain trying to put a face to sleep paralysis. Think about it, i was a kid who had never seen aliens before yet i could describe them exactly as the media would. So no, they werent aliens at first, just tall white figures with black spots, probably from a glare, eye floaters, or general distortion the imagination creates when you look into the dark. I think enough people saw these white figures in their sleep and decided it HAD TO BE real.
Anyway, conspiracy theory out of the way...
So i now blame nearly every unexplained encounter on my fucked up sleep paralysis hallucinations. The time when i was a kid was the ONLY time i had ever seen anything during my paralysis up until recently. While living in the apartments i awoke to find a glowing soft-orange disc above our bed, i managed to yell "FUCK" which woke up my wife and got the disc to go away.
And now... The bathroom door in the hallway, it is just a door, not a shadow man... until i fall asleep. I am fully aware he isnt real but still he watches me and he's been watching me for the past month and i feel like im losing my mind. I havent told my wife about it because i dont want her to worry but im making this post because i HAVE to say something to anyone willing to read this.
I've been trying to stay up late and i avoid going to bed, but my wife keeps falling asleep on the couch and insists we go to bed early where we both work the morning shift. I want to be mad at her for making me go to bed at a reasonable time, but that makes me feel like a piece of shit because she isnt really doing anything wrong. She doesnt know about the man in the hallway and i dont want her to, but i still resent her for it.
The fuck is wrong with me?

1 comment:

  1. Well, if you haven't talked to your wife yet, you certainly have something to share with her now. Writing things out to yourself and/or unknown readers not only helps you make things clear in your own head, but potentially to those who would read it. Share this, because this is something that could grow into a terrible direction if you let it go too far. :o